Crying, Vodka, Farts and Love

Some big shoes to fill. I look at her with wonder all the time. I just had my first Mother's Day with her and it was a wonderful day. I know that it is a manufactured holiday but I cannot tell you how deeply painful it is to have this particular 'holiday' around you when you have been suffering through infertility. Here I have my girl and I have my first Mothers Day. It does not erase the pain but it does make it a little easier to bear. I think that I have a bit of Survivor's Guilt going on. I almost feel embarassed to walk around with her because A. I am waiting for someone to tell me the jig is up and my rental period is over and B. I want to pin a sign to her pram making sure to announce that she was not concieved easily so that I do not cause undue pain to someone. I can remember looking at babies and moms and hating them, burning with jealousy. I was so sure that it was easy for them, one of those people who use their partners toothbrush and get a positive pregnancy test. Now, here I am, one of the hated. A survivor. So happy to be here but a bit guilty about it when I think of all my friends who are still suffering and trying. I used to get so mad when people would tell me trite little comments about how they are sure that it would happen for me and other bits of 'advice' meant to make me feel better about my situation. I will not be doing that to you today or ever. I love you too much for that.



Things have been hectic around here and I haven't been able to get to my computer much. So I am going to put several days worth all at once.





OMG, This baby has the MOST hellacious farts that you have ever smelled. I have to sit sometimes with my nose plugged while I am nursing her because I just can NOT stand the smell. I have smelled Renaissance Faire privies (portatoilets) that smelled better. My eyes water and I am suuuuuuuuuuuure that she has just has a massive poo. Butt no (pun intended). She has apparently taken on her fathers infantile bowel habits and likes to go every few days and when she does its a WHOPPER...The doctor said not to worry but how can I not when she is polluting my atomosphere and I am forced to breathe it. Maybe I will get a gas mask.
PS Notice the wilted roses in the background? *THATS* how bad her farts are!
They killed perfectly good flowers. I need ET to revive them.




Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.... we hear a lot of this and frankly I feel like she looks in this picture. I want to cry and wail too. We are still working out how to make her feel better. The above said gas makes her very unhappy and she will wake from a sleep to start screaming. We are using an arsenal of techniques to soothe and calm her. I have booby magic and David has some sort of mysterious Daddy magic that I have yet to figure out but it is pretty great when he picks her up, puts her in the sling and she immediately gets quiet. I need that magic too, I have different magic. We call it Vodka...no no no just kidding. I have Mommy and boobie magic and it works too, just differently.



























When she is alert and not in pain, she is a delight. She has really figured out how to charm us with her face. I spend a lot of time with her making faces at her and she has begun to make them back at me. It is super fun to do this. We took about 80 photos of her laying on the floor making silly faces at us. It was hard to pick the ones to put here because there are many that are good.
















This is one of my favorites from the set. She is rooting for the Sharks to win the playoffs dontcha know? GO SHARKS BEAT THE OILERS!!!